void of existence

I discover something about myself recently.  I am pretty much the same ol boy I was 25 years ago.  I like my personal time.  Well, its not really being alone, but being with people that matters to me.  I cannot stand endless chatter.  People who absolutely have to fill empty space with their own voice.  Its noisy and unconstructive.  Of course, there will be banters at the temple and that is very much welcome.  It helps the bonding.  But there are just some who goes off topic or over zealous in their critics of anything or anyone.

I do not fear silence.  I have no fear of being alone either.  Doesnt mean that I like it or I got used to it, but it just means that I can be alone and not go crazy.  Evil will have a lesser grip on me in my lonely moments.  I am my greatest enemy afterall.  I believe that there is evil in the world.  Evil so strong that it will invade our minds and take over our souls.  But I know there are fakes as well.  People who are out of control of their inner self.  People who suppress their true self.  People who do not cultivate their mind and refine their mannerism.  Then when times come, and for whatever reasons, that they cannot control themselves, they become another person. 

We need to control ourselves.  But we need to know what we are controlling.  Then we shape our inner being towards the likeliness of HIM.  Words..they get us into problems.  Actions…they get us into troubles.

I made a mistake in my scheduling for my relocation to my new apartment.  My internet at home is now cut and I have no access to be online. Well, that means my current home is even less attractive than it used to. 

Right now, I am up to the nitty gritty of setting up my new place.  Its painful.

Washer – Went to 3 different stores and settled for 1 at Harvey Norman.  Its cheap.  Not the cheapest though.

Fridge – Bought one at Gain City during their Marina Sq branch grand opening.  Substantial discount there.  But it still blew my budget.

Lights – Headache….

Sound system – Headache….

Furnishing – MEGA Headache….

I need a break…

Shopping alone is no fun. 

Its not easy being a race queen.  There is a whole list of requirements.  Besides meeting the requirements, they must be able to observe the rules on the tracks.  More importantly, they must be excited by racing.  Enthusiastic and even passionate about the sport.  They must remember which team they are cheering for.

Of course, even if they are genuinely into the sport.  They are not required to be knowledgeable about it.  Who cares what the tyre wear is telling about the driving techniques?  Who cares why the ratio of the gears are in that format?  Who cares why a slow study of the angles and inclines of the tracks are important?  Who cares about how this car can do and why that car can do?

Important thing is the car they are cheering for is in the front.  They cheer for the shining new spoiler.  They cheer for the latest technology in the car.  Yup…point to note, in local slang, lace queen dun lace. 

http://www.sistic.com.sg/cms/events/index.html?content=366

What is a dream? What is reality? Sometimes, I do not know what is real and what is not anymore.

Dreams and hope are good to have.  I found that when I was talking to a 20 year old yesterday.  She asked me when is the time when I feel best about myself.  Strangely, the answer was and still is when I was 16.  I was top of the world.  I know everything that there is to know, I am surrounded by friends, undefeatable by my rivals, have the power to affect the world.

Well, I know everything coz I am ignorant in that little small pond and didnt even know the existence of the oceans out there.  I thought friends are friends until I found my back dripping with my own blood.  I did have the power to influence my little world though. 

Its wonderful how ignorance can be a good thing. 

We spoke about love or finding the love of our life.  My advice is find someone that a person can change with while in school.  If you cannot find someone to be attached with while in school (doesnt matter whether they are the one who we will marry), then the social circle is just about to start shrinking (for most people anyways).  Besides, the old saying from parents about ‘no relationships during schooling coz it will affect the schoolwork’, well, news for the parentfolks…if you think that school is not a good place to start a relationship, then the world is never going to be ready for a relationship.  Coz in the real world, work is at least double the stress with shorter deadline and if we are ever not be able to concentrate on our work, then it will have dire consequences (We may even lose our job!).  School is the best place to have a relationship.  If a person cannot handle schoolwork and relationship, then they can never handle work and relationship.   

I am ok with rejection.  If a person is not another person’s type, then its just too bad.  Here’s what I will say to those girls.

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As I have said yesterday, I am sorry that to have caused any discomfort. I do not apologised that I am trying to get close to you but it is indeed regrettable that it is causing discomfort. However, I do not think that it is fair of you to get another person involved.

If there is no interest on your part, all you need to do is just be clear and mature about it. It is not as if I do not understand ‘No’ as an answer. There is no reason for you to go around dragging my name through the mud when I did not do anything wrong or bad. I believe all I did so far were extending invitations to have dinner/drinks and enjoy some entertainment together.

What you said about strangers and unfamiliars are nonsensical, and I trust a person in your capacity would and should know better than that. My interpretation on your reply email is that you are not interested in any relationship. That is fine. You do not have to pretend to be offended and as if I have done something wrong. Yes, I apologise anyways, because of what you have stated. But I do not believe for a second that I did you any wrong. I am a simple person. When I think something is not right, I say it out in the open and what you did is not right in my opinion. What you did is not polite. What you did is totally inconsiderate.

However, I am going to forget about it. And I suggest you do the same.

Have a good evening ahead.

I am beginning to like this place.  I was supposedly out with Stace tonight.  But she is her usual social butterfly self.  I decided to slip away to the restaurant nearby for a quick meal.

The chef there recognizes me.  I am becoming a regular.  I enjoy being at the counter and looking at them cook the food.  Order a few small dish and a sake.  Perfect. 

I am pissed.  All I wanted was to get a log in for software upgrade for my Dopod.  The staff is requiring me to ‘take a photo of the serial number and IMEI’.  My digital camera broke a month back and I havent gotten another one.  So I explained my situation to the staff of Dopod.  Instead of offering me solutions, they come back to request for the same thing that I cannot do.  This become a matter of principle and I refused to get someone else to help by taking a picture of the phone.  Its a stupid policy and I just refuse to adhere to it.  Here’s my complaint email to them.

—- 

That option as discussed is not opened to me. So the only option I can offer is to bring down the phone to wherever you are for you to have a good look and take whatever photo in however many quantity you like.

My question is that if the phone is ever registered to warrant such inconvenience. I would like to add that the policy is flawed and I do not see any real point of it except unnecesary bureaucracy and idiocratic blind following of statement. Please let me know where I can go to show you the device and discuss this with you at further length and the dissatisfaction I am experiencing that I have to repeat the situation as stated above to your prestiged company and esteemed colleagues, over multiple emails and phone, without any apparent understanding of the problem that I am thus facing.

Furthermore, I have brought the phone to your service centre to get an upgrade on the software last week because of your refusal to give me an registration but it slipped my mind to have them take a photo of the device. So since you refuse to make any effort to check on this as an extension of customer service, I questioned the orientation of your multinational company in the effort to grow globally. Of course, who am I but a small and insignificant owner of a device of a non-customer service orientated company who refuse to give me a registration to assist me to help myself to search for upgrades and addon for the device.

In summary, I would like to repeat that I do not have the facility to take a photo as I am an ancient dinosaur who does not own another device with a camera, other than your company produced device and I do not see the point of getting one just to satisfied your flawed policy. So let me bring this to you in person, I look forward to your reply with your address OR a solution that can help me reset the registration for a device that I have purchased, recommended to numerous persons and used with satisfaction until this juncture.

I think I may have done a similiar subject heading before.  People tend to associate darkness with bad mood swings.  Maybe they are right.  I am moody these past few days.  Right now, its 4am and I am sitting here in the dark to write this.  There is a lot of clarity.  A lot of focus.  I like the dark.  It helps in revisiting my thoughts and the processes.  I guess the dark is a reflection for the moody side of me.  But it helps me gather my strength and focus as well.  Maybe that is why I function better in the night.

Well, I am alone again.  Another one has bite the dust.  I have mentioned before..long before..I have nothing to do during my prime time.  Thats how I became close to my friends of the nightlife businesses.  They are always available during the prime time of family dinners and outings.  Sometimes, I miss rushing for those family appointments.  Oh well, having the flexibility is envied by many others.  Stop looking at the grass on the other side.  Enjoy your family, especially one that you have chosen to start.

Project J:  Now thats another failed project.  I cant believe that I actually do have liking for this project.  Oh well, the project is a bit too secretive and the complaints about cigars should have turned me off.  Better luck next time.

Project C:  I really cannot figure this one out.  What’s going on here?

Project Z:  Well, I am comfortable with this project.  But it is very sociable and its hard to catch hold of her.

Project A:  Hmm…I do not like this project.  Too westernized in the wrong way.

Projects… Some I like, others dun like, some I dun like, some like.

Back to the working board. 

I drove today around Bedok.  A lot of memories came flooding back.  I had a dream last night.  Ya…who else.  At least they are not pain invoking anymore.  A bit of sourish flavour, but still not bitter.  I wonder…hope ….. is happy.

I am actually getting tired of the temple.  Recently, too many egos in play.  You almost need to braise up the ego to go into the place.  Too many think with their hearts.  They are not objective about the subject in discussion.  They cannot let it go beyond themselves about the subject.  Disagreement about opinions is just that.  Most people tend to go to a personal level of attachment.  I admit that I let that gets to me at times as well.  But I see it happening more and more around. 

Trading ‘punches’ – Dun dish what you cannot receive.  Typically, people who likes to be critical are unable to take criticism…or even jokes.  I really cant be bothered.  Laugh…whats the truth is the truth.  I join in the fun now and then.  But really, a person who keep digging up a subject that is already buried is only chewing on bones.  Get a new line at least.  There are only so many times a rerun can evoke an emotion.

However, I find comfort when its less people there.  I just wanna smoke.  I cant sleep well when I am alone.  Call it a sickness.  But having another living person(s) in the room is comforting to know.  I fell asleep at the temple and I did that again at divan, but I just cannot sleep well now…strange, isn’t it?  There, I admitted it.  Happy now?  I do admit that I have problems…but nothing anyone can do about.  I did this to myself and I am continuing to do this to myself.  Or am I? 

Life can be confusing, isnt it?