void of existence

Woke up one day and questioned the existence of myself.

Why do we have emotions?  Why do we have thoughts?  What is the reasons?  How did we derive our values?

I dun know.  I have no answers.  I ignored a scream that was shouting out from my mind. 

‘Once down the dark path, forever shall it dominate your destiny.’ – Yoda

I have ventured down that path.  I am no longer where I was. 

I am done thinking.  It is not wrong.  It is just a self imposed prison.

There is no such thing as wrong.  Only a different point of perception.

Went to see my dear Apple yesterday after work for our monthly appointment. 

She is quite a little imp for her quick wits and glib tongue.  She gave me the usual playful feign anger as I appeared.  As we get started, her deliberate measured touches slowly took me to a new length.  We started joking about the usual distance I have to drive to visit her and she is so quick in the session that it is not worth the effort anymore.  So she quickly answered that she will do a longer wash.  Just as she massaged my head, I can see foam forming quickly between her skilled fingers.  That was done after a good 15minutes and its time to wash off that foam.  When I sat back down for the blow, she told me over the noise she was making that she had just gotten married. 

Wow…she got married too.  I have known her for 5 years.  Its been that long.  Now, she happily married.  That is good to know.  Well, at least I will still know where to find her when I need my hair cut.

It was in a vast car park.  I drove around and decided to head home.  When I saw her.  Those curly locks.. I waited around but she ignored me.  I just sat that looking at her.  Helpless ..

She was about to knock off.  I went up to offer a lift but words didnt come out.  I couldnt see her clearly.  Its like I have short sightedness.  I missed that hug.

The car park is gone.  Demolished.  Only a row of it left.   

4th person calling me names this week.  Ok, fine.  I am:

-  Strange (I will eventually work myself to eccentric)

-  Creepy (when I blink at regular intervals)

-  Closed or emotionally defensive (So its hard for people to understand me…does it matter? People who I allow to get close to me will, thats all the matters.)

-  Misunderstood (See above:  people who doesnt matter, dun matter.)

-  Spending too much time alone (I do not fear loneliness, I like company of real friends but I rather be alone when there isnt any around.  I have survived through enough to know how to deal with being alone.  You get used to it after a while …. right?  Hey, dun look at me, I am strange but I still dun like loneliness.)

I ran into Iceman 2 evenings ago.  Iceman is now married with 2 kids.  He is no longer the cool guy that once had long hair and donned knee-length leather jacket.  He moved on.  All of my friends from that era of my life had moved on.  10 years later, most of them are even fathers by now. 

A sudden sense of nostalgic hits me.  It was like yesterday when I went to Holland Village during my secondary school days.  The warm air of baked pizza hitting my sensory as I went past the Milano Pizza shop.  I went into the Times bookshop and picked up a book that Pan recommended.  It was the first book in font size 10 that I ever read cover to cover.  I went on to read 10 more books that June school vacation.  It was 1989.  Almost like yesterday.  I wonder what Pan is doing now?

For some people, time is a straight line.  The past can be very far away with time.  I seem to draw memories up like it was yesterday.  The theory of ‘quantum leap’ comes to mind.  That probably add to my doctorate of strangeness.  I wonder when I will finally graduate.  Maybe one day… 

Today, I told a person this ‘I can read a person pretty well from what they say, how they say it, how they treat things and persons around them.  Communication doesnt always require to be a direct application.’  Understanding someone is not always a good thing.  Some people would be better off at an arm length if not farther.  I heard on the television about persons, who do not gamble, should be able to counsel gambling  addicts.  They say it doesnt take a person with ex-drug addiction to counsel a drug addict.  I feel that it is more convincing for someone who had been through ’said something’ to be a spokeperson for that issue.  Firstly, the theories are there.  But experience are always more real imo.  Only because one has been through an issue, then he truly understand the extend of the ‘pain’.  I can say that from my experience.

A conversation I had with B2 today really cracked me up good.  I am a creepy person.  I will admit that.  Its something that I work on to intimidate people, especially girls.  Well, at least girls with no business knowing me will leave me alone.  How’s that for security?

Anyways, I was told that I was creepy becoz ‘(I) was staring at her with my eyes blinking at regular interval’.  Firstly, I spaced out a lot when I am relaxing.  Secondly, how do one blink at irregular intervals? 

The funny thing was B2 knew so well that I am so not into this girl who said this.  Oh well, funny.

Sitting on a park bench during lunch.  A topic that came up is about dry skin and moisturiser.  Bear2 said that the topic between 2 guys is very gay.  But dry skin is a real problem, isn’t it?  Well, its a wee bit gay I guess.

2 guys, one married and one single.  Both having the same sense of lost in this world.  Is this quarter life crisis? 

Spiderman 3 is coming next April.  The highlight of today is tight clothing.  Whats with the girls in their body hugging outfit?  Something is wrong there.

When I dislike someone, I usually stay away from that person and everything that is associated with them.  The strange thing is I have found someone who obviously doesnt like me, coz I pointed out an embarassing thing of theirs before, but is still visiting this blog.  Oh well, good luck for you in finding anything of your interest here.

The quilt gives us lot of comfort.  It keep us warm and protect us from the harshness of the night.  Who will keep it warm?

Cant find anyone to talk to tonight.

Sad..

Tired..

Oh well, I will be ok again tomorrow.  I am my own best friend.