Farewell Clifford March 30, 2007
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Clifford left Singapore today after 5.5 years in Singapore. His stint in this little tropical island city had brought him great joy. He is now happily married to a willful wife and mischievous son.
5 years. I have known him for 5 years. That is amazing to me. Time flies. I can remember the day that we went out for dinner. The funny thing that he was waiting at boat quay and I was waiting at clark quay.
Now its all in the past. I am happy for him of being where he is now.
The road March 27, 2007
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I travelled aimlessly on the highway for 2 hours tonight.
The road is empty almost. I ran with some cars along the road at times like they are companions in life. After a while, their paths lead them away from me.
I can choose my speed. I can choose my direction. But I have no target, no goals. I just travelled aimlessly. I wonder what is my purpose on this road. I know what I need to do but I do not know what I want to do. I just moved along.
Time is meaningless. The road is meaningless. It leads nowhere. Sometimes I wonder where it will end. Sometimes, it is better not to know. I saw in a movie that said ‘The bad thing about life is that we cannot go back in time. The good thing about life is that we do not have to go back to repeat time.’
I looked around me. The street lamps spaced evenly apart. The buildings seem closer. They are closing in on me. I feel that I am suffocating. No other cars seem to care. Some cars are filled with many people. Some cars are like me, a lonely driver. I wonder what they are thinking, what they are going through, where are they going.. They seem to have a purpose. Some rushing along, but do they know where they are going, do they noticed that they are not alone, do they noticed that they are all alone.
I continued to drive. Pulling out a cigar as I wonder. There is some relief.
The sadness of the swordplay. The stance of one night love. The stance of bitterness. The stance of loneliness. The stance of eternal joy.
Pain and hurt is all part of this journey. We realised that. We noticed that. We feel that. The cause of pain and hurt are sorrow. To cause such sorrow, there must be happiness. The greater the sorrow, the greater the happiness. We must hold on to the happiness. Remembrance. It bring us as much joy as it does pain and hurt. Do we noticed that? Do we feel that? We remember the sorrow much better than the joy.
I remember the pain. I remember the sorrow. I remember the joy. I remember her. The heartbreak swordplay. It is a double edge sword.
I am as much a happy person as I am a sad person. I am an alien to a world long forgotten.
No laughing matter March 26, 2007
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These two incidents at my uncle’s house.
My uncle is a guy who enjoys little leisures like drinking tea, cutting fruits, etc etc with the rest of the family. Much like my grandfather. I always did like my uncle. He has moments that are just so funny that you would flip laughing your guts out when they happened. The latest happened recently between him and the maid after he cut up some fruits for us and my sis’ visiting in-laws to be.
Uncle (to the maid): ‘Where is the poke poke poke?’
Maid: ‘Huh?’
Uncle (pointing to the fruits): ‘The poke poke poke…’
Maid: ‘Sorry sir?’
Uncle (Impatiently): ‘The poke poke poke ah’
Maid: ‘Toothpick, is it?’
Lesson learnt. Dun assume the maid is stupid.
The next incident happened with one of the house pets. We have a parrot which pick up a number of words in the past 2 years it is with the family. This happened when my sis, her boyfriend and I was leaving for some breakfast.
Grandma: ‘Where are you all going?’
Parrot:’Hello…Hello…Hello…Hello…’
Sis: ‘For something to eat since they are not ready.’
Parrot:’Hello…Hello…Hello…Hello…’
Grandma:’Come back quickly.’
Parrot:’Hello…Hello…Hello…Hello…’
Sis:’Ok.’
Parrot:’Hello…Hello…Hello…Hello…’
Sis (Irritated with the parrot level of noise): ‘SHUT UP!’
Parrot:’Hello…Hello…Hello…Hello…’
Sis:’SHUT UP!’
Parrot:’Hello…Hello…Hello…Hello…’
Sis: ‘Grr..ok la, lets go already.’
Parrot:’Bye bye’
Family and traditions March 26, 2007
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Been a busy weekend, starting from Friday evening…
My grandma decided to do Ching Ming early this weekend coz everyone in the family is in Singapore. Well, everyone that matters anyways.
We gathered at my new place as my uncle was complaining that I have never invited them. So I threw a lunch party. Bad mistake…See, my sis is getting married, and being an elder brother, I am falling behind her. You can guess where the topics of conversation come from. They even went so far as to decide the 8 characters of the girl who will suit me. Sigh…I had enough of 2 words during the weekend…Girlfriend and Marriage.
Why can’t marriage be the same as most other things we do in life? We dun order the food we want for dinner until we arrive at the restaurant and read through the menu, do we? We dunno which taxi we will get until we reach the end of the queue, right? Fine fine, I am over simplifying things.
Anyways, I have admitted over the course of last week that I have not met anyone and probably will not meet anyone who is cast the shadow haunting me.
Have you read ‘Return of the condor heroes’? If Yang Guo can wait 16 years, I think I can manage for now. Its time to move on to other aspects of life.
Dt-Day 2: 105 March 21, 2007
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BK:
Fried Egg
Mini Spring Roll
Bean curd
L:
Bean Sprout
Portion of Meat
Vegetable
D:
Tuna Salad
N:
Beer x1
Egg x2
I am an alien March 21, 2007
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The subject feels strange in this world. Everything around has turned into black and white one day. It was listless and unfruitful. No matter what happened. Recently, the subject has describe things in hue of grey. What is it like to see the colour again?
Many moons have passed. Yet time seem to stand still on that one little moment. Same time as usual. The chemicals swirling around the subject remains the same. But the subject is adaptive. It has new weapons to deal with the challenge. But the raw ingredients are the same.
Time means nothing in this place. What is fear? What is worry? Such is not the concern of the subject. Like an unliving or undead, depending on how you view the subject, everyday passes in grey.
The subject search the meaning of its existence. Encourage and discourage at the same time. Time is not important. Once the colours fade, it will never return. Or will it?
Some stories have been written..the main character holding on to what he truly believes. Those stories lies. In a movie, such is admirable. In actual, such is challenged and disbelieve. No one encourage such acts. That is the real challenge. Everyone swaying the determination…the promise…the character. The most often heard is displacement..some call it moving on.
Displacement. Does it matter if there is real displacement? Displacement is about a different location. Does that location makes a difference?
The subject goes back to its meditation. To sort out and to hold out the challenges. Silently admitting that the colours will be faded even if it ever returns.
‘Tell me..what does it feels like’ – It feels as real as it just happened. The darkness starts to envelope the surrounding. What is there to fear in darkness when the subject is darker than the known dark.
There is no eternal colours. Every colour fades after a while. The subject holds on to the grey as that is the only colour left to observe. Grey is not that bad after all. It normalizes the exposure to other colours.
Cursed March 20, 2007
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Sitting in the room with only the light from the monitor, I glazed silently at the picture before me. Much has been lost. I wish I hadnt been so careless in my actions.
The accursed number. Why must it be this .. 9490019..
I seek a solution, and I have found it. I must battle the side effects. I will persist.
You are not ready to face this…You are not ready…
Dt-Day 1: 106 March 20, 2007
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The first day is always tough. No one should go through what I am about to attempt.
My first day consist of only water. Nothing but water.
To aid me, I have found the best weapon: Heartbreak.
PS. Bro, press the emergency Stop button if the spiral down effect is too disturbing.
Down slide of the Dark March 20, 2007
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I had a weird dream last night. I do not remember the dream but I woke up with a conclusion. Forget about love and romance…
Right now, I feel the chill. The hunger that was disturbing me this morning was gone. The chill is scary. Its enclosing my being again. I cannot find my breath. How can it be so long and so short at the same time? I should not have gone looking. I was wrong. I was not ready to venture into the land of nightmares. Not yet. Maybe never will.
Strangely, I do not feel the urge like it used to. The chill is there, but so s the strength. Maybe that is progress. Maybe that is what I am seeking to find.
I will rise again. Let the darkness be my strength and my guide through this treacherous path of choice and destiny.
Miracles and not so Miracles March 19, 2007
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Heard this joke over the weekend:
Man woke up and found that his house is invaded by the water overflowing from the river. He turns on his radio and hear an evacuation warning. But as he is a staunch believer of his faith, he is certain that god will save him. So he refuse to be evacuated.
By mid morning, the water level forced the man to climb atop his roof. At this time, a rescue boat came by to save him. But he refused to be saved as he believes that god will come to his aid.
By noon, the water level has risen again and the man was forced on to a tree. A helicopter came by, but the man with his fatih refused to be rescued.
Then the man drowned.
He came to heaven and found god. So he asked ‘God, I have been a faithful believer of yours for my entire life. Why did you not save me?’
God replied ‘Hmm…there must be some kind of mistake by the admin. I already told them to send you an evacuation warning, a rescue boat and a helicopter.’
